🤔What does feeling numbness look like to you?
👉Numbness is a reward system for your brain and can become a vicious cycle as the reward is NEVER lasting and often creates additional feelings of - guilt and shame.
Here is a quick snap shot of what it looked like for me -
⏰It is 2am. Can’t sleep. I feel alone and sad. I need this feeling to stop.
Get dressed, grab a pack of smokes, $500 left in my bank account till the end of the month, and hop in my car.
11 miles drive. When I arrive my glasses reflect the illuminations of the neon lights spelling out Casino.
I bee line over to the ATM.
I find the brightest, loudest machine, pull up a round stool and light up. 🚬🚬🚬🚬
The sad and lonely gets replaced with a sensations of the thrill of winning. Surrounded by the laughter of others winning and jackpot bells. Thoughts and feelings that I had an hour ago disappear and zombie brain takes over. And the satisfaction of repetition, hitting the big green button that says BET AGAIN.
No bonus round yet. No jackpot yet.
💰$100 more gone.
Still feels good.
Back to ATM. Buy another pack of smokes.
💰$100 more gone.
Still feel so good.
💰And another $100
Back to the ATM and justify $40 more dollars to buy me just 20 more minutes of zombie brain (what I am really thinking is Jackpot is so close).
11 cents prints out on a receipt that I stick in my wallet to bring back for next time.
Then the guilt kicks in. I feel like I am going to puke as I slowly drive home in defeat.
The sad kicks back in and the alone as I crawl back into bed smelling of stale cigarettes. Fuck, I am still a loser.
A new sense of stress fills my brain - how I am going to make $60 last for the next 2 weeks?
✅Numbing our feelings is a slippery slope and often times an expensive one.
As I venture forward boldly in a new direction I find no more pull for such behaviors as I no longer wish/need/want to bury my feelings. I broke the vicious cycle.
✅Feelings are not as scary as we think they are.
✅They only get scary when we create shame around them, numb them, and don’t want to understand the thoughts behind them.
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