This is my struggle with weight and overcoming my need for invisibility
The day I had this picture taken I was terrified on making my weight goal. I was also terrified on having this picture taken and the absolute SHAME I had in displaying this weight loss number. Also, horrified on having a full body picture of myself. I never use to allow people to take my photo. Or even tag me on a photo. I didn't need a new opportunity to see a picture of myself and slip into dissecting every inch of my body with ridicule.
Honestly, I thought losing weight was the answer to my self-esteem issues. It would solve all of my problems. I thought that is when people would accept me. Like me. Perhaps even be my friend.
Weight loss was my answer to EVERYTHING. The MAGIC TICKET to happy.
Can I just say right now - weight loss is not the magic ticket to everything.
What you don't see in this picture is that I cried for a good hour or so before this picture. And binge ate immediately after this picture.
I had no idea what losing weight would trigger in me.
It triggered my need for invisibility and deep rooted safety issues on being smaller and how I associated that with physical weakness within myself. That being small I could be harmed again. Over powered. Assaulted. Being small I wouldn't be able to fight back. Like when I was a kid. Deep rooted stories.
Stories I had no idea still had so much control over me.
My weight was my cloak. And super quickly it was removed and I never processed the thoughts that triggered my overwhelming feeling of insecurity and fear of being a smaller size. Being seen. Being lighter. Being small.
Even at a size 6 I still didn't love my body. My self talk was more negative than ever. Losing weight never improved my self-esteem.
The attention to me and my self talk that never improved triggered my actions.
Lots of alcohol and lots of eating.
I never once started looking at the thoughts behind my feelings. I never examined them. I rode the freight train of weight gain back up to a size 14 then quickly back up to 18.
Finding once again comfort, security, safety, my perceived invisibility in my weight cloak.
I have spent much time getting to understand myself. Why I do what I do. How I react subconsciously to thought triggers.
I have learned to think consciously about my thoughts. Understand, what triggers me.
What makes every part of my body scream for a place to hide.
I have learned how to have compassion around these triggers, be curious about them, understand them, and over come them.
I can tell you I can't remember the last time I mindlessly binged. And I really can't remember the last time I had more than a glass of wine in one sitting.
Though I am no longer in a boot camp I am now focused on exercises I enjoy like going for walks in old town Alexandria. I am mindful about what I eat. I am also mindful on what I drink and how much.
My weight has slowly decreased. Not at the rapid rate of going through the Transformation Camp.
At this time I am not on any special diet. Just a changed mindset. I am also better prepared to face triggers that could set me back. That magic ticket to everything is in your mind.
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